This is a literal crash landing, friends. There is a phenomenon here in Ulleungdo. Everyone knows that the less you sweat, the more you well urinate. Lately the weather has started leaning towards the not-so-sweaty kind, so I find myself needing the squattie a little more often than usual. No matter how I plan my trips to the Jane, the unavoidable terror strikes me every day. It starts on the bus. The initial message reaches me that my last coffee at work is done processing. As I hop off the bus, my cerebral fax machine runs out of paper and I walk just a little faster. Over the parking lot, past the Gym and up the hilly driveway to my block of flats. I take the three steps up to my door and the siren starts to screech. It’s time for The Dance of Glory. I perform this elaborate number every single day as I stand in front of my door treasure hunting for my flat keys in-between the random articles of comfort I have in my bag. My phone starts vibrating. This happens every single day. It doesn’t matter how little I drink or how often I go during the day at school. When I stand in front of that door I know my fate is sealed. All emergency lights go on. I have tried shaking my bag in the hopes of locating the jingle of the keys only to realise that my bag is apparently an echo room as well as a jungle. This game of Marco Polo continues with brisk breaks of butt clenching and leg crossing. Finally when I’m about to water out my eyes, I find the key. My phone stops vibrating. Then my short- and long term memory battle it out as I try to figure out which way the key turns in Korea. It’s ALWAYS the opposite. The landline starts ringing. Finally the door releases me and I have to take another “grace rest” pinching everything, eyes, lips… before I can peel my shoes off my feet. Then to tackle the shortest vector in my house: the meter from my front door to the wet room. Pun Intended. In front of that blessed porcelain chair I take another “grace break”. Timing is now crucially important. Once I have managed to gain back control, I can peel off whatever else is necessary and crash down on the seat, which hopefully is aligned because the buildersboughtonetoosmallanditsnotattachedtothetoilet…………………………

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