1. Bok koppe (buck heads, goat heads, deer heads) and I’m not talking about the one on a bottle of Jagermeister. Honestly, if I have to watch another play with a freshly graduated Drama student topless and sweating with a “bokkop” on his head then I am going to start launching tomatoes. It’s been so overdone, the in-originality offends me and frankly it should offend the doe eyed student too.

2. Pedantic-ism: Yes yes yes…you’ve read a LOT of plays and acquired a BA and you find ancient Greece dreadfully exciting and you love to shove your “smart-ness” down our throats. If you love to bully by mercilessly throwing a lot of useless information at the poor unsuspecting (although by now we shouldn’t be surprised), and might I add PAYING audience then you fit right in to the theatre-elite. Duck, everyone as the actors see how far they can tinkle over our heads.

3. Ego Mania: Most of the time you walk out of a play a little bruised, right? Especially those Afrikaans ones… You feel emotionally and sensorically battered. Why? Because you just spent your hard-earned buck on  a play that was never written for your benefit at all. Here’s a news-flash, audience member. You are a guest at a self glorifying ritual. The only audience members the director is interested in pleasing, are the judges from the Fleur Du Cap awards.

4. Bad wine: A means to loosen up the audience and numb them before the torture starts. (See #s 1, 2 and 3)

5. Abused Artistic Licence:  Human rights have handed us a moral dilemma. It’s called “free speech”. Freedom of  Speech in the theatre can be obtained by agreeing with all the right people and by using pedantic terminology. Illegitimate free speech is called stupid or uncultured and should be avoided at all cost.

6. The Human Condition: It may be yours, but it’s not mine.

7. Dishonesty: For this I blame the groupies in the audience. People who apply adopted intellectualism when watching plays.

8. Over-Indulgence: If I am paying R150 for my ticket, I don’t want it to be because the designer went bananas on ordering silk from China. I also don’t want it to be because the director fancied 27 sex scenes and consequently had to compensate the actors for each exposed thigh, buttock and boob.

9. Soap Star Publicity Band Wagon Tack: Just because someone’s been on a day-time drama doesn’t mean that they’re a good actor. It doesn’t impress me when I page through the programme and see that so and so (whom I’m about to see naked) is of so and so fame and moments later realise that so and so couldn’t bother to memorise their lines. Total urgh and mega fail.

10. Selective Religious supremicism: …and yes, I consider Atheism a religion too.