There is one feeling in the world that I cannot seem to overcome. No matter whether you expect it or not, that sucker-punch feeling I get at the announcement of bad news. That looming feeling like a filthy friend that hangs about you. The anxiety in the expectation, like a break-up that looms or when someone says, “we need to talk”… Punch-drunk you thumb through the index of your thoughts scrambling, trying to pick them out and arrange and organise them like buttons…but you wake up in cold sweat with a bloody hands with fish hooks sticking out from each other. More entangled. Like the time my mother came home after discovering her friend had commited suicide. There’s nothing you can do except go through the tunnel in front of you. It’s the dumb feeling of seeing an accident that’s about to happen. I hate this feeling…with no comfort. No orientation. Seemingly no end, and no solution. A han… but without the comfort of company.
***Han is the Korean word used to describe a feeling of grief or loss with no solution or hope.