Yesterday I was viciously scratching through some old University files looking for a few good performance poems for a student, when I came across an old journal that I seemed to use for writing down any/every old thing, but mostly it contains some very err… creative self-written poems. Mostly musings on frustrations with inabilities and fears of impending failure and then, ah… a good dose of overly indulgent unrequited loves. Volumes full. Apparently I thought wine, intense emotional suffering and Greek tragi-heros were very cool and intellectual, while using outdated Afrikaans words and metaphors containing domestic tasks and anatomical terminonology added a very “raw” organic feel to my grand literary accomplishments. Obvious influences from my serious cynical introduction to artistic academia. It’s good to have a nostalgic giggle at your young self.
Oddly, my young self knew a lot more about me than I thought she did. Less kudos for the maturity department, then. No cigar, no. Though I am so very glad to see that some things have changed. For the better. Though self-indulgence is still a tick (my lingering lardcoat testifies on my behalf), I would like to think that I have perhaps become more efficient, and more open to goodness.
Rereading my old “works” is like watching the first round of Pop-Idol or X-factor. It is the most serious round, the most humbling, the most pride-filled and by far the funniest. I am so very glad that I have learnt to laugh at myself. I am so pleased to see that I’ve grown and healed. So pleased to see that I’ve shed some bad habits, and gained a few good ones.
Today, on this beautiful rainy Friday. The start of a weekend full of opportunities for rest and family/friends. I dedicate this song to my 20year old self. Dear 20year old me, I love you, but I am so pleased that you’re a memory trapped in-between two sheets of cardboard and theatre theory notes. I can’t make you love me in a nick of time, but God and life has taught me to love and the significance of selftertaining.
Thanks Bon Iver! You still make great Rainy Day tunes!