Life is slowing down on my side of the mountain which is both a relief and an annoyance. I have been cultivating an unfortunate habit of excessive electronic socialising and minimal actual connection. It didn’t hit me until I was invited by friends for dinner. I am struggling to shut down my inner dialogue and to be present in a “live social exchange”. Though I enjoyed my friends so much I drove home feeling alienated and alone. In the past I have dealt with loneliness in two ways. Denial: loneliness is a choice and only for people who needed others to make them happy. Melancholy: pour a glass of wine and draw, write, create! Lately all I feel is that loathesome emotion that comes up when I think of the little prince all alone on an entire planet. I have often been asked whether living on ulleungdo was lonely, but I enjoyed being alone, so I often answered, “it is but I wasn’t”. Now I recall the detachment I experienced which bled into an existential detachment. Was this a form of loneliness?
I have also been contemplating my marital status. This seems to be a go to fix for the lonely house dilemma, and many theories have been explored and discussed in my probably unhealthy lengthy whatsapp discussions (apologies to the friend involved). One theory was that often we are single because we want to be: and I believe it’s true. I cannot help but feel like I will have to spend my life faking a connection with this person. My times of coupling have served as a highlighter for loneliness.
So if I don’t attach, and I don’t actually WANT to be in a relationship, why do I feel so let down by myself? Like I am denying myself something I don’t actually want? One of my biggest struggles in relationships has been trying to fake the fact that the person I was with was like an alien to me. Is it a case of reverse psychology and indecisiveness or an addiction to feeling and overactive idealism. Perhaps one should just pick someone and get over our bratty desire for perfection and escapism.